Dog DirtFearing for the future of humanity? Don't. The answer lies in our willingness to embrace pet poop.
Archaeologists just make stuff up. They’re guessing. Piecing together stories from digging through buildings, rubbish and shite is all they’ve got to go on when record-keeping doesn’t exist. But trying to imagine what was going on by examining the contents of their local tip leads to conclusions drawn through 21st-century ideas, morals and methods. It’s impossible to imagine the distant future, so deducing ideas from the past is presumption itself.
That said, I’m not about to go all creationist on you. Darwin’s work seems pretty convincing, and it’s widely acknowledged that, for instance, the dogs we see today have evolved, through breeding, from wolves, an ancient, now extinct variety of wolf, being the long-dead great-dogparent of all the breeds we see today.
And that leads me to my problem with dogs: dog shit. Especially if you haven’t wiped your feet. Gone are the days of the cute, white, comedy turds we used to get in the 70s (fascinating fact: white dog poo was due to lots of bone meal in their food, which was decreased when it was discovered that too much calcium can be a bad thing). Stepping on crap in the 70s was a common thing. What family didn’t have a dog poo stick by the back door for children to spend hours flicking faeces from their footwear? Or was that just mine? Who can remember the joy of running home from the park to have your tea, dashing through the kitchen to the dining table, before noticing, halfway through your Findus Crispy Pancakes, that you’ve dragged excrement all over the rug? Not good.
Things are undoubtedly better now. The introduction of Dog Control Orders under the Clean Neighbourhoods and Environment Act (2005) stated. ‘Owners may be prosecuted if they allow their dog to foul and do not clear it up in designated areas.’ This led to a whole new market of dog-owner responsibility and dog products: bags, bag carriers, scoops, and the arrival of the dog poo bins in parks. And, thankfully, a massive decrease in shit strewn everywhere. And wasn’t that about when we saw the explosion in other dog-cessories?
Dogs have done pretty well from late-stage capitalist evolution. Far from fending for themselves as carnivorous predators, dogs of the 21st century can get everything from ice cream to insulated coats. In fact, the more you study the narrative arc of the modern-day dog, the more you realise that we – dog owners certainly – are not the apex predator anymore. We’re now at our hounds’ beck and call, feeding, clothing, caring and literally picking up after them. Even when what you’re picking up stinks. Really bad.
And this gives me great hope. When I think of the many and varied social and economic changes we are told on a daily basis we will have to make to cope with challenges in the future – recycling, moving to active travel, flying less, reducing plastic consumption, eating less processed food – I can’t help but think how much more appealing they are to me than picking up warm dog shit with a micron-thin bag, and putting it in a bin.
If we can convince people to pick up canine crap – and, by and large they obey – then I have a great hope that surely we can get the vast majority of society to adopt other, wider ranging initiatives and behaviours that will help us all live better lives.
Of course, the other legacy that humans cleaning up after their dogs will bring is for the dog-archaeologists of the future. It’d be amazing to be around to hear the story they will make up to explain away their finds of plastic- wrapped faeces in a ceremonial metal container at the heart of every town. They’ll claim that users of the bins worshipped the wolf-ancestor animal that issued forth the bag contents as some sort of godlike creature. Which will be spot on, I guess.
Words: brant Richards Illustration: Andy Garside
First published in Issue 3 of Bother Magazine, December 2024.
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