Iain's AdviceIain Trickett, the founder and owner of the clothing and lifestyle brand, TRiCKETT England only likes football for the shirts, once almost stepped on a landmine in Croatia and is, somehow, the official agony uncle of BOTHER.

Dear Iain

I am ailing with a special kind of midlife crisis. I constantly dwell on a catalogue of micro regrets that keep me awake at night and distract me during the day. This malady has struck me since I turned 50. In the grand scheme of things, I have little to worry about. Generally healthy (as are my immediate family), roof over my head, some money in the bank, but still I can’t shake these fairly inconsequential regrets. The overthinking can be work-related (Why didn’t I do that two weeks ago? Why didn’t I try harder? Why did I care so much about that?). Personal (Why did I say/do that? Why didn’t I say/do that?). They can be related to occurrences from days, weeks, years or decades ago, but usually the more recent ones are those that gnaw. 

And don’t tell me worrying about things does no good. I already know that, but can’t help it.

Anonymous, Lincolnshire

Iain replies: Without minimising what you are going through, it might help to start off by saying that, even though it may feel like it, you’re not on your own with feeling this way. Of course, you have your own unique feelings and experiences, but I’m sure that many others, myself included, can relate to what you’re dealing with.

There was a time, many moons ago, when I worked in the music industry, where despite my best efforts to act cool, I yelped, ‘EMINEM I LOVE YOU!’ as the Detroit rapper walked past me. The look Slim Shady shot me still haunts me. Just as I think I am about to fall asleep, back comes Mr Mathers with a look that seems to be imprinted on the inside of my eyelids.

Now, while worrying about whether you could have tried harder at work in 1998 or asked for that person’s number who wore a band T-shirt that you really liked, or not left a pair of DUNKLE shoes on the shelf at a skate shop in Liverpool that could now pay off your mortgage if you’d bought them (personal anecdote), reliving what we have or haven’t done is a way for us to process things. It helps us when things happen again in the future and informs our decision-making. It even helps us to give advice to friends and family about how not to repeat mistakes.

A very good friend always said that if you could see everyone’s problems piled up in front of them like paperwork, you’d be very quick to snatch your own back. While I’m going to resist the urge to tell you not to worry about it, as that is completely counterproductive, I think that getting some perspective is the best way to analyse why you think this way. There will always be people in worse positions than you and, if you are anything like me, when people say things like, ‘What do you have to worry about? Look at all those people in X place that were eaten by bears while rescuing children from an orphanage,’ it only makes you feel much, much worse.

So, while it’s a bit of a cliché in the 21st century to talk about mindfulness, this is where we need to go I’m afraid, dear reader. A super-basic exercise that I once got my mum to do (so it must be good) when she was struggling to sleep at night due to swirling thoughts, is to close your eyes, breathe steadily and see what comes into your head. As soon as that thought lands in your mind like a pigeon on a telephone cable, you have to acknowledge it, thank it, and tell it to go away. Now, that may feel a little strange at first, but practise (as for anything we want to get better at), take time and patience, things that are in short supply in this life. Even five minutes at the start or end of the day will make things more bearable. I’m not saying you’ll turn into a Yoda-like figure within 48 hours of trying it, walking around Tesco in an orange toga, blessing people with your mind skills, but things will get better.

Your mind is a powerful thing, but, much like an unruly dog, you can train it to behave better. While it can be tempting to wish that you could empty it of everything, wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night without having a single thought, it’s impossible. As humans, we have the ability to experience all kinds of emotions and worry is just one of them. Why would I go to an all-you-can-eat buffet and just have half-warm chicken legs of worry when you could experience the emotional custard that is joy or the excitement of a chip butty? I will stop these comparisons now.

Train yourself to understand why you may react to things in a certain way. Your brain may be addicted to worry (which you can definitely use mindfulness to help with) or you just need to analyse something in your life which needs to change. All of these things take time and they require you to care for yourself a bit more than you already do. Take time to relax, breathe, be kind to yourself about your thoughts, and I may see you in a supermarket saying, ‘For tea, chips I want,’ or whatever Yoda would say.